I ran into a young man with a laptop today who was taking a break and talking enthusiastically on some IP telephone. That was quite some dovey talk, something joyous and sad about how he missed the person on the other end of the line (should I say “another node” of this huge and cozy world-hugging network?). He had acknowledged my entering the area prior, so it’s not that I snooped… For what it was, a true public statement of love! I indeed hope the person at the “other node” appreciated receiving this. It’s not that I had loved many times, but I never never ever received a gift of interrupted work and showing how important I was by talking to me, office hours. They would bring up “work ethics” as the rationale. I think mostly they were lazy. The Mistake, I suspect, had a huge fear of being seen as “whipped”, as he surely classified his friends who nonhesitantly had both feet in their relationships as “whipped”, overly optimistic and lacking instinct of self-preservation when planning the future.
So while for many people, the acts of care throughout the day are perfectly natural - to give and to receive - almost a given, for me it was always something grand. I do not know, still, what it takes to be loved, what, who you need to be in order to recognize a good person, in order to be attractive to them, to fall in love with them, to be finally enough - for them. It is sort of disturbing, as this mystery might go with me for the rest of my life.
It was funny to witness that I lived so long in this version of warped reality. Good to know there are people who enjoy something I wanted! Made my day.
