“You are loved” said the cover of a postcard. Wishy-washy text – very possible as contents goes. Written by a very familiar handwriting. Got it in the last dream I can remember off. Upsetting. Let me leave already… I am going away, I will cling, with all honesty, to incessant trying again and again to make it right. Something about April 4th – anyone can possibly help me guess what happened on any previous 4th of April?

My Christmas TV is filled with talks about saving families and making them strong. Cheesy, sometimes. Meaningful, as well. One of the interviewed families said that a person gets four balls for life. Three are made of glass, and one of rubber. If you drop the glass one and it shatters, you do not get it back, ever. The glass balls are family, morals, and health. Work is a rubber ball.

Time for yet another Christmassy soul-search post.

I’m glad to report that I witnesses much good in other people’s lives. This was truly one good year for young families to become stronger. One case is shining through, the one of college sweethearts annulling their divorce and reconciling. I’m burning in white envy for your parenting, my friends.

All things come so late to me. I know that they will either come (late, possibly too late), or not come at all. So as family matters go, I am sure that my über sensitive heart will be good to adopt, should I luck out on that path (this world is lucky to have us with such twisted sense of goodness and beauty and justice and responsibility and commitment). To be completely honest, that overwhelmed mother that called me on the day she became grandma – please don’t do it again. Let me silently experience joy for your news, spare your individual, largely insensitive towards the less lucky (I understand, though, truly overwhelming!) joy for the better suited people.

So since there still is a gaping empty blob of earth-shattering events of my life, I’m willing to go public with my wishes of Christmas a few years ago.

Please let me keep, and find new, job(s). Not a career, just job is enough.

Please let me keep, and find, My Home. Not a house. Home, Safety, Stability.

Please let a man find me, and for me to find him, who wants by his own volition, by his own choice, to be good to me. “I am ready, I am set, I do” is the modus operandi.

Please help me to maintain cool head and to always remember that I rather have nothing and hold no one than have fakeness and lies in my life.

Oh, blimey, I guess I can add something this year too. If I am to stay on this planet, please take away all my hopes and vanity, except one hope: that the Christmas as I always dreamt about is still to be. Not being modest here at all.

And to the humans. Have a Merry and Serene Christmas. Please everyone make a call to at least one lonely, estranged relative or friend. These things sometimes save lives.

Kastytis! Thanks for a good "gabalas"! (it's rare to hear of regrets, especially in a shape of niiiice music).