I am surprised. It might be this new type of information that started coming up to me lately, or it is just a phase. There has been some turmoil, overlapping responsibilities, commitments I could not make (to my huge regret) because of time conflicts lately, but on a personal level, I am so much more at peace than before. The month of May, however, carries remnants of that stressful existence, the memories I would rather not have, the paralyzing brain chemicals that I associate with those memories. I look into the eye of the matter from a safe spot now, and do not lie to myself. I really, truly loved in my life. Most of the time, I tend to say I regret it. Most of the time, I try to discipline myself into thinking of only one scenario - living a honest life, no matter what, either forever regretting the past times, or praising the incredible luck if I receive what I so yearn for. If I can rejoice in anything, it is that I am the truest of "me" right now, and however shy I am to tell the entire world... life is not linear. Sometimes it is healthy to cling to a dream for longer than anyone normal would. Sometimes it is very OK to love an enemy. Those experiences teach us to recognise people, situations. And they destroy chunks of who we are. Undoubtedly.

One real thing that needs to be said, I am sorry - but only apologising to myself - for the angry words I had left mostly here on the blog, while there was so little anger, and so much of sadness, loss, and still - gentleness in me. I am sorry I let my own angry expression give grounds to self-doubt, that followed, somewhat naturally. I had to let everything that was meaningful for me go, so now I would better tap myself on the shoulder because I acted very humanly, while there was no one - no one at all - to give me a hug or advice for weeks, months.

Yesterday a 21 year old driver killed 2 people on the street (rather, the pavement!) in Vilnius, and injured several more. One of the two dead was a 1 month old baby. His/her mother is in the ICU. Darn statistics, right? Because there is statistical probability for shit like that to happen, and then there is statistical certainty for a thing like that to happen. I could just as well be that woman. Would I like to wake up to a knowledge my child is dead? I'd choose to not be born myself. What would happen of my family after such event? Impossible to say. Would I have chosen to not even meet anyone to have kids with, had I known something of a statistical certainty of something like that to happen to us? Impossible, once again, to know.

So back to the "information flow". These seemingly random tidbits of people's thoughts I notice as so much applying to my life? What are they? My brain reacting to knowledge I wish was instilled in me in my childhood, but that due to a misunderstanding was never given to me? To the fragile me of several years back, sent via time machine:

And someone who loves you, even if he can't say the words, thinks the best of you. When someone tells him things to the contrary, he asks you, "Is this true?" [source]