I finally gave it to reading the entire “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It is a very useful publication, even if I am very securely a person with “secure” attachment style. What I lack is a good radar for maltreatment. Which, in combination with my empathic abilities and patience equals disaster when overstaying in emotionally abusive relationships. The book provides lots of food for thought on how to train yourself due diligence, so that you can recognise and leave the scene with an avoidant person in it timely, nick it all in the bud. However it is somewhat doubtful that young people with no experience of avoidants’ abuse will pay attention, or that it can help 30+s to land in a honest coupledom after being dog-trained by even one bad apple, avoidant partner.
I am sorry I still take this judgmental stance. Basically it would be non-PC for book authors to say that avoidants are no good news for anyone (the worst news, they do not sustain enough attraction with their equals, other avoidants, and often go after anxious people and torture them denying their most human needs!), but that’s what the book is about. It even warns about friends setting you up with a romantic prospect (which I surely had thought was the best way) – they might have the best intention, but zero knowledge about a person’s attachment style. Just like secure people, avoidants come in all shapes, forms, personal styles, education levels and social stratae. They might seem very OK to everyone who is not in their inner, most intimate circle. The best message I took away from the book: “if you can be with anyone, it does not mean you have to.” I think I had the reverse version of it engraved into my mind, coming from classical knowledge of social psychology: willingness and dedication makes a great, successful relationship between any two people possible, even likely. Well, 15 years ago they failed me by not telling that willingness and dedication are unnatural, threatening, painful, confusing for a large group of people. And that statistically, they are more likely to roam around, just because that is how numbers work.
It seems that a buddy found me, and we might stay for indefinite, daily conversations. Which is healing. Which is telling me that there are giving, gentle, good people around. So what if they are a bit young for me. It’s OK. Low investment – low payoff can do wonders, if no one starts to act stupid. That’s still preferable to relationships with pets.
It’s possible to get life working for me. Still, by proxy, since it means spreading myself thinner than I’d want to, “circular dating”, but it’s much much better than living a lie, seeing the one person whom you love with all of your essence to never grow up into someone who can act minimally honourably towards you. That is no way to live. Rinse and repeat. I have no right to forget that.
